I Have Cancer

Guess what? I have cancer.

When my nurse navigator called me on Feb. 20, 2017 and told me that I had breast cancer, I broke down into tears. I was at work, going about my day. It was hard to catch my breath and I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I felt the same, but now I knew of this thing inside me that was trying to kill me. I had a rough couple of days after that, but I don’t think I really understood that I was sick.

Fast forward to today. I’ve had time to process, met with multiple doctors, been poked by a bunch of needles in places I never wanted a sharp object, had two surgeries, medical bills coming to my house every week–and I think that is going to be the easy part.

It is not until today that I really understand that I have cancer. I have cancer! WTF! Mentally I’ve had zero time to decompress and feel comfortable with it. Before my surgery and egg retrieval I felt great! Let’s do this! Cancer ain’t got shit on me! Want to cut into my boob? Go ahead! Need to check some lymph nodes out! Take as many as you want!

I went back to work this week and I feel different. My body is reacting. It won’t let me rest and it is mad that I’m trying to act like nothing is going on, but a lot is going on and I’ve been afraid to acknowledge it. My cancer jokes can only go so far for me mentally. Physically my body is catching up to the diagnosis and that’s hard to recognize. I think my brain is now understanding too. I’ve cried more this week than any other time of my diagnoses. I cry because I’m tired, frustrated, alone (as I have no partner, but that’s another post…yup, my pitty party game is strong these days), scared, in pain and angry…just to name a few.

I know that this is just the beginning of what’s to come. That’s probably what scares me the most. What will I feel like when I start chemo and radiation? I follow other bloggers and everyone puts on this brave face, like cancer isn’t that big of a deal. Maybe I am missing something?

This is real now. No more joking about chemo or cancer–it is here and I have to accept it.